And now he knows

I meant to update the blog earlier but spent 24 hours without internet access. I think I need a 12 step program for the withdrawal effects.

So now Superman knows. Ms. D told him the news yesterday and we were both shocked at how well he took it. He didn't seemed phased by it at all. He said he was sad but he was also happy that Ms. D was taking care of her body (he knew about her health issues). So we both agreed that it hadn't hit him yet. Then he went to bed and said he was okay with it so we chatted a bit and then out of the blue he starts crying "I've already lost someone I love (meaning Mr. S, his teacher from last year that he adored who moved to BC) and I'm not going to lose anyone else!!" So THAT was the reaction I had been waiting for.

I'm just heartbroken that HE is heartbroken. I asked him what I could do to make it a bit easier for him and he said "promise me she'll be back one day" and I had to say I didn't know the answer to that. Then he said "Then my sad feeling will always be inside of me." Sigh. I know in the long run, he'll be just fine. I totally get that. I just hate that he has had this much change/disappointment/heartbreak so often and that it seems to hit him back to back. So I tried to push the positive....You love Ms. S (the other EA), we're going to teach the new EA all about you so that you don't have to worry about telling her everything, so many people at home and at school love you and want to support you and make this change as easy as possible, Ms. D has our phone number and our email address and we're always going to be friends etc. Just sucks. Poor kid cried himself to sleep.

One of his biggest fears right now is that he's afraid Ms D will be gone "forever". I keep telling him I don't know and that seems to only raise his anxiety and with the anxiety comes the climbing and meltdowns which occurred this morning before school. When we got to school he asked Ms D if she was going away forever and she said "we'll be friends forever and I hope to come back but I have to wait and see what my Dr. says". Superman was content with that. So I need to follow similar language (I hope so but we'll have to wait and see what her doctor says) then I think it will make the transistion easier for him. Right now, when I tell him "I don't know" it means uncertainty and with uncertainty comes anxiety and then the behaviours follow after that. Also, sometimes when someone says "I don't know", he hears that as "no". So that may be why in this case, that phrase makes him anxious. I'm hoping that with the new language that will help us ride out the transistion period when we bring in a new EA. If he/she is a great match then eventually the intense need tohave Ms. D back will lessen as the trust grows with the new EA. Although part of me isn't too sure that will actually happen given that he still talks about how Mr. S might come back and teach his class again someday. He never likes the finality of "never". It's a scary word for him.

Right now, Superman's stress level is extremely high and he's having a hard time coping with his feelings. Tonight I had to leave to do some Christmas shopping so HB was home with the kids. Usually when I leave Superman will say "I hate that you're going, but have a good time." But tonight he went into a complete panic. He was shaking, sobbing and kept saying I can't leave him. That I can't go anywhere, I have to stay with him. I reminded him how much I love him that I always come back. I was just going to go to two stores, then come right back home again and when I did, I would wake him up and give him kisses. But he was beside himself. He's terrified that something will happen to me. This is not normal behaviour for Superman at all. This leads me to believe that it's leaning past "upsetting" and into "traumatic". I saw similar behaviours in the past when Superman was faced with a traumatic situation. I'm also feeling very thankful that I have appointments set up with his play therapist next month because he will benefit from having her to talk to.

This is going to be a tough journey.