It's been hard, but we're okay

Thank you to everyone who has been emailing me and wondering how Superman is doing. I really had no idea that there were so many regular readers on my blog. It looks like most of you have figured out that I write less when I'm stressed. (hahaha) So yes, you were right. Life was kickin me in the arse...but we're doing okay and I think (hmmm...I hope?) we're coming out on the other side of things.

So I talked before about the increase in the meltdowns the Superman was having. Wow. They were becoming more frequent, more tiring, and definitely more aggressive. His wee little sister seemed to be the trigger. Although obviously unintentional, it definitely pressed his buttons. So it got to a point where I never left them alone. At all. Superman could flip in an instant and I didn't want Ladybug to get hurt. That being said, these behaviours were not choice behaviours. When Superman's energy is low, he's the best big brother on the block and Ladybug's sun rises and sets on him. When his energy gets high he will be the first to tell you that he can't make good decisions. I think it's stressful for me? I'm sure it's nothing compared to what he has to deal with. Post meltdown comes the remorse. Body heaving cries. Self abuse. Nasty words about how awful he thinks he is and how sorry he is and he's so afraid Ladybug will hate him, or we will stop loving him.

I cannot even attempt to put into words the heartache that brings me. We reassure him over and over and over again that we understand. That we love him. That we're a family and we will all stick together and he's not in this alone. Ladybug covers him in kisses and wants to snuggle and just be with him.

But it's so much weight on such little shoulders. So off the Developmental Pediatricians office I trot (after he graciously fit me in for a 30 mins consult because we were in a crisis) and I sit across from him, I unload my concerns and he looks at me with that quiet knowledgable smile, eyes full of understanding, and I feel relieved. Should we try a new medicine? Are we at that point? I think back to when Superman is screaming on his bed that he wants me to just make it stop because the pitch a fits make his muscles hurt and his brain move to fast and he hates them when he has them. And I look at the man sitting across from me and I confidently say "yes."

It has come to a point where Superman needs me to step in to help his body. Language and love are not enough.

I leave with a little white slip of paper with a scrawl that is barely legible but I'm told that it holds a lot of promise. We'll start on the smallest amount possible and it should make him feel calm, but not drugged. It should cut back on the outburts and the aggressiveness, but most importantly it should help his brain slow down long enough for him to be able to decide how to act or react in a situation. That's a lot of promise in a little bottle.

I'm warned that the biggest side effect is weight gain because his appetite will increase greatly. That's okay I say. He eats healthy already and we'll arm ourselves with low cal, high fibre, high protein food choices. I'm lucky that my kids can sit with a bowl full of fresh baby spinach leaves and consider it a good time. Maybe because it's more fun when you get to share your snack with the rabbit? Possibly.

So Friday was the big day. We could star the medicine when I picked him up at lunch and I was anxious. I talked to Superman about it because I believe very strongly that it is HIS body and he should know what goes into it and why and be able to ask any questions. So we talked about what it does. I tried explaining that for some kids, their energy gets high....and cut in and said "and their body does things they don't want it to do." Yup. That sums it up. He's so incredibly self aware. So we talked about how the medicine is going to try and help his brain which would help his body and he felt good about it.

Dose #1 - 12pm on Friday. Went well. Great afternoon at school although he was weepy. That night he had three major meltdowns (2 centred around Ladybug) and went to sleep feeling sore and overemotional. Poor kid. I gave him dose #2 at bedtime.

Dose #3 - Saturday morning at 8am. huh.....he's really relaxed. He's calm. Holy crap! He's like an entirely different kid! I realized this afternoon that I went through an entire day without a single meltdown and he was so much calmer than he's been in months.

My biggest fear was that with these meltdowns would come injuries (which occured Thursday night when he fell and whacked his ear on a stool causing great amounts of swelling, bruising and bleeding from the top of his ear). I called my cousin (also a Dev Ped) and treated it with ice, he was fine but sore and when I told her about the new medicine we would be trying, she was happy. She's been waiting for us to get to that point because she's known for awhile we were headed in that direction. I feel good about taking the path that we've had. We've exhausted every option we had presented to us so we knew by the time we got to where we are, we were making the right decision.

So I am feel much more optimistic about the future as is my little man. Now we just have to work on the school side of things.

Dr. S (the Neuropsych I talked about ) met with the staff on Friday to interview them for her report. She's been a real champion in our corner. I think there are some good things head.

Love to all. xxoo