This is where we're at

I was putting off updating on what's been going with us because I was hoping I could post a really fabulous positive update but that doesn't look like it's going the case so I'm going to get it all out here.

* Superman started full time. This is a huge change for him so of course I was expecting him to struggle with it. It seems like they were shocked that it didn't go smoothly. Things fell apart on their end and when I picked him up for lunch he was bawling and screaming in the van that he hates change and he just wants it to stop.

* Then I was told by someone at the school not to worry because they don't re-evaluate if it's working until he's been full time for a week. Uhm what? That's not a lot of time for someone to adjust to a change they haven't faced daily in three YEARS. And if he's still struggling what the heck do we tell him?

* And because he's full time and he has to come home for lunch it's chaotic. Out of his 60 mins lunch, 30 mins of it is spent driving. So it's rushed and that doesn't help him at all. Since his lunch is 1-2pm that means Ladybug's nap is totally out the window. By the time we take him back to school, he have 45 mins before we have to go back to get him.

* Ladybug's fabulously frustrating 2 year old behaviour is setting off every single autistic trigger in Spencer. He's becoming aggressive with her and I hate hate hate how ashamed she gets when it happens. His whole team is on top of this but damnit, I want it to stop like yesterday.

* Since starting full time Superman cannot be left alone for a minute. His energy is so high that he can't think straight and that prevents him from making good decisions. One of the hallmarks of autism is that they don't have that little part in the brain that tells them they're in danger or that they could really hurt themselves or someone else. So Ladybug is never left alone with him and I'm constantly pulling him off the OUTSIDE of the banister (and our stairs open up all the way to basement, so if he falls, he goes down an entire storey).

* On day two, it was better. A more successful morning. But when I had to drop him off he tried climbing on the top of the van again. They were able to get him to the sidewalk so I could pull out and leave. When I picked him up he was on the sidewalk in the front of the school. He was fine to walk with me but the moment we got to the van he was climbing again. Can I say how lovely it is to keep pulling your kid off the top of the van when there's an entire parking lot full of parents staring at you?

* On day 3 he woke up so happy and relaxed. He was really regulated and I was thrilled because it was the sign of a good day to come. Then I heard that his favourite EA, Ms D was going to be out for 2 days. That means that he had to go part time. When he starts on Monday it will be like readjusting all over again.

* All of this is putting an incredible strain on my marriage. Now we know why 95% of marriages fail when there's an autistic child involved. Trying to find ways to effectively communicate in the midst of all of this is extremely difficult and that has been our downfall. But we're trying.

I'm just tired of fighting. Fighting to make sure things are together at the school. Fighting with my husband because we forgot how to communicate. Fighting with my son because I just want him to get over whatever it is that's setting him off. I'm tired of constantly having to be on edge. Always three steps ahead of him and in the meanwhile washing walls because Ladybug has fingerpainted with my favourite red lipstick (little bugger...that was Tuesday) or trying to get out the door in the morning with an autistic 8 year old who's trying to climb the banister when he should be getting his shoes on and once he does and I have about 30 seconds to get him into the van before he loses it again, my 2 year decides to do the "I'm a wet noodle" routine. I do not function well with this type of schedule on such little sleep.