Running on empty

I have nothing left to give. Good thing it's night time so that I can recoup for tomorrow and hopefully have something left in my reserves. Great day. Tough evening. Can't wait until DH's latest project at work is wrapped up so that our lives can have some sort of level of normalcy. It was supposed to get easier after July. Then I was told October. Now it's December. Just got to hang in there. I'm not happy right now.

7 days until school begins...

...and it seems as though not much has changed since last year. I handed in the report but now I'm facing another brick wall. New principal is insisting that Superman be put through to grade 3. But SpEd and I both agree that that would be setting him up for failure. I understand the board of ed's position that kids should be kept with their same age peers regardless, but when a child has only attended school half days and spent the majority of it under his desk crying, it's not wise to push forward. He should repeat the year since he didn't even get an EA until the end of March and wasn't making much progress until the end of April.

So the principal won't guarantee anything. She's calling the Superintendent to get her opinion on it while I'm left in limbo wondering what's in store for him next week.

As of right now he has no EA support and no placement. I refuse to put him through what he went through last year.

If the hospital had done it's job and given me the report when they were supposed to, my child would no be in this position. He absolutely cannot function on a mainstream class without any support. Heck, he struggles in a mainstream class even WITH additional support.

To top it off, the school lost EA hours thanks to the goverment. Nice.

On a good note, camp ended well. Superman was in tears when I had to pick him up on the last day and he cried himself to sleep last night because he misses his friends at camp, but most importantly, he misses Michael, his one to one counsellor. They developed a special bond and Michael told Superman that he would definitely be back next year and he hoped he would be there too.

Superman made him a gift. It was called "Superman's Top 7 Reasons Why Michael Rocks" and it included a picture of himself that we took the day before. Michael told him he would put it on his desk. Superman's #1 reason why Michael rocks? "He makes me feel safe." I also included a letter to Michael telling him how awesome he was with Spencer and how big of an impact he had on him.

Sari knows her counsellors well and she certainly made a wise pick by pairing the two of them together. Even *I* am looking forward to seeing everyone next year. Katie will be old enough for the half day "camper in training" so I'll sign her up for a week of that.

So now we're back to prepping for school. Superman said that now that camp is overwith, it's time to get excited for school and I'm hoping he has something worth being excited over. He used to LOVE school so to see his enthusiasm is to see a glimpse of the old Superman. With everything he was put through last year, he lost that excitement for school and I don't want to see him lose it again.

The report is in

After coming to the conclusion that the hospital lied to me about when they mailed the report, I went down there to get a copy. I made it clear I wasn't leaving until I had it. The report was supposed to be mailed to me by the middle of June. It never came. Then after a rather long game of phone tag with the staff...or rather I would call and no one would call back...I finally found out that the doctor was on vacation until September and I insisted she get in touch with me. She did and I was assured the report would be done and mailed August 2. It never arrived. Then I when I called on the 11th, I was told it was already mailed on the 9th. Finally, the 21st rolls around and still nothing. I just don't get why they would blatantly lie about it.

So the report is in my hands although I'm confused as to why my personal medical history has to be in my son's report. I really don't feel like broadcasting my history to HIS professionals.

Fun Times

Well, I kept Superman home from camp today because they're off their normal rotation and it would be so incredibly stressful for him that it wasn't worth putting him in a situation that he couldn't handle.

We woke up and the day started out rough. He was completely disregulated and we were about to throttle each other. Even ladybug was in a bit of a pissy mood. I think DH was quite happy to close the door and spend his day at the office. Heck, *I* would have been happy to close the door and spend the day at his office.

So I packed up the kids and a picnic and headed to Canada's Wonderland. Nothing better than a day at the amusement park. Wasn't sure how ladybug would handle it, but it turns out she LOVES the rides.

The first ride we hit was the swan ride in the water. The kids sat infront, all buckled in, and I sat in back. Superman put his arm around his sister's shoulders to make sure she felt safe and she grinned from ear to ear.

At lunch time we found a quiet spot and had a picnic which was great. Then a few more hours of rides before heading home.

Superman handled himself SO well considering near the end it got very busy and hectic. Lines for rides were longer, it was hot outside, lots of different smells, sounds, people bumping into him. He actually lined up at a ride on his own, went on by himself and found me at the exit!

For most families, that's not such a big deal, but when you're the parent of an Autistic child who's brain can't compute the sounds, smells, sights like other kids and can quickly become overwhelmed and scared, that's a HUGE feat.

That's not a single day, no matter how hard, that I don't feel blessed to be his Mum. He tries hard and he's got the biggest heart. The world would be a better place if there were more kids like him.

Although I've got to keep my eye on Miss Ladybug. I think she's going to be a thrill seeker when she grows up. ;)

I'm back

I had to take a bit of a hiatus from writing. I was beginning to feel like I was only babbling about the negative stuff going on so I needed to take a step back and try to refocus.

Friday at camp was a mess for Superman. He got through the day, but had a lot of issues on the bus. So tomorrow I'm going to drive him in and pick him up. When I mentioned that to him tonight, I was surprised that he wasn't upset by the news. Usually, he loves the bus so much that he would rather be on that instead of having to drive with me. But he happily said okay and went to sleep. Maybe if he feels it's too stressful as well.

We had a fabulous weekend though. Saturday we hit a few rough patches in the morning (some hitting, kicking, biting, scratching etc) but I think that was more of a fallout from the day before. Still hard to deal with though.

But he got it out of his system rather quickly and the rest of the time was stellar. DH was with the kids while I went to get my hair done (I have to say, I'm liking the shorter do that I have now!) and he said they were great. So nice for them to have time with Daddy since he's been at work, more than he's been home for the last couple of months.

Today we had a family reunion to attend and DH and I were quite worried about how that would go over with Superman. Lots of people, noise, smells, sounds etc all in a small space. But, it turns out that they held the party outdoors (they have a huge yard) and he spent most of it in the pool! Fabulous!

I was SHOCKED to see him leap into the water with a wild abandon. He's been telling me everything he's been doing at his swimming lessons at camp but this is the first time that I've actually seen him do all of his tricks and I cried. Sommersaults under the water, front floats, back floats, push offs from the wall, jumping off the side of the pool. Wow. All of this from a kid who was terrified of getting water in his face just a few short weeks ago!

He also had a couple of cousins there that he only sees once or twice a year, but he played really well with them.

Ladybug had quite the blast in the pool as well. She's the polar opposite of her brother in that department. She's a water baby and was thrilled. She loved being passed around from one person to the next, playing with her cousins, dancing with her Aunts. She's a regular little party girl. We even caught her giving a smooch to her cousin, Carson who is a month younger than she is. So adorable. ;)

So I have high hopes that tomorrow will be easier for Superman if I bring him into camp myself. I would have pulled him if it wasn't for the fact that he loves it there. As hard as some days can be, he's still doing so well in so many areas. Karate, swimming lessons, archery, gymnastics and his new favourite thing, canoeing! In the end, I think it will all be worth it. This is his last week and I hope it ends on a good note.

Think good thoughts for us.

Something to celebrate

A whole day without a call from camp! Yay!!

(That's because I didn't make plans to go out) LOL

Looking forward to reading Superman's communication book to see how the day went. I'm guessing it's not something major if I didn't get a call. :)

She doesn't get it from me

I wonder where my daughter gets her girly girl tendencies from. It's not me. I'm not into dresses unless I absolutely have to. I'm pretty low maintenance and more a natural gal.

But she's quite happy to prance around in a summer dress. I didn't pick out her clothes this morning, she did. And she's sporting a cotton dress from Old Navy and is mighty proud of her pigtails.

Yet she's also a rough and tumble girl too. If Superman and I are getting rough on the floor, and he's climbing all over me. She makes sure to wiggle her way in there as well. I think that's their new favourite game together. It's call tackle Mum. ;)

More ups and downs

Superman - The morning was great at camp, the afternoon was tough. I'm surprised he doesn't just crash when he gets home. It takes a lot of energy to try and filter everything that his brain has a hard time making sense of.

Ladybug - We were supposed to go and visit a friend today but I cancelled. Waited for a call from camp instead (which I got) so we hung out at home. We both crashed for a 2 hr nap which made a huge difference. It was fun to goof off with her. Her new favourite thing to do is to climb on the couch and then pretend she's sleeping. She makes snoring noises but keeps her eyes wide open. LOL

Jo - Thanks for the comment. Maybe you're right. I just don't know how to go about doing it. I'm trying to find an experienced babysitter that I can call on when I need to in the evenings. Maybe that will give me more piece of mind? I don't know. Sometimes it seems like an uphill battle, other times it seems like a breeze. Regardless, we must do an ice cream run soon. xo

Update on Geneva - Had a good meeting with Superman's social worker. Love her. She's so great and we really hit it off. I've got lots of phone numbers and websites to look into for services. Superman is on the waitlist for behaviour management services at Geneva but she gave me some ideas of other places to try in the meantime. I also signed him up for social skills classes. He'll go through the screening test in January.

Still no report from the hospital. It was supposed to be here by the middle of June. Then I called several times and never got a call back. Finally talked to someone on August 1 who said that Superman's doctor was on vacation until September and no one was covering for her. Uhm...pitched a huge fit at that! Then the Dr. called me from home to say it would be mailed on the 2nd. Didn't arrive so I called them on the 11th and was told that it was mailed on the 9th. And here it is, the 15th and still no report.

Argh.

Where do you find the balance?

Between letting them explore new opportunities and experiences, and pulling them from a situation that may be too much?

I don't know the answer. It's becoming blurry for me.

Yup, got another call from camp. Today was a bust. Apparently, I'll have lots to read in his communication book.

I'm sure that if I hadn't talked to a girlfriend of mine about making plans to get together tomorrow, it wouldn't have happened. ;)

So now I think, do I sit at home and wait for the call? Or do I go. I seriously haven't a clue anymore. Of course I have my cell with me and they can reach me, but there's that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach about being away if they need me asap.

Maybe he's just not old enough and established enough for me to have a life outside of his needs yet. Am I denying the reality of it?

Looking for opinions.

Amazing how things can turn on a dime

The day was great. Ladybug and I had a quiet day at home while Superman was at camp. I was just telling a friend of mine that I think we've found something that works at camp and I was beginning to feel like I could have a life outside of my son's needs.

And then the bus pulled up.

I could tell instantly that he was completely disregulated, tired, and plain ole grumpy. Traffic was backing up since he wouldn't get off the bus and since it was going nowhere (him AND the traffic) I had to go in and drag him off. So nice of the people in the cars to yell and honk at us while he had a meltdown in the front yard. That really helped a lot. Thank you.

And it only got worse from there. Now I can go back through his day, and I can tell you exactly why he was acting like he was and pinpoint the exact places where it all broke down. But I can't do that right now.

Right now, I'm crying and I'm tired. I hate that pins and needles feeling you get when you constantly live your life on edge when your child is out of the house and you're not with him because you just never know when it will all fall apart.

Today was tough. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

It's Thursday and my kids have not injured themselves

Which seems to be pretty impressive considering the past few days have brought with it a chipped tooth and a few bee stings. ;)

Superman is still at camp. They have an optional overnight tonight and since that would be a bit too much for him at this point, he's having an extended day. So he gets to stay for all of the fun stuff and then come home when everyone gets ready for bed.

It just occured to DH and I that we have no idea what time I'm supposed to go and pick him up. No one told me anything specific outside of "we'll arrange for you to pick him up as everyone is getting ready to go to their tents" which leads me to believe that they'll call? I hope so. Now I'm sitting here going from feeling relaxed to being nervous that I should have asked someone something and pinned down a specific time. Oh well. I'm sure it will sort itself out.

Had a great chat yesterday with the support staff at the camp. They're putting some fabulous strategies in place to help Superman out and yesterday he came home feeling much more settled and put together, so to speak. M, his counsellor wrote a glowing account of the day which made me cry, I was so happy. I'm so used to people focusing on what Superman is not capable of doing that it was such a gift to read about everything he excelled in. Including, no real meltdowns!! Woohoo!!

I have to say, M has a gift with kids. He cares so much about his job and about making things work for Superman and helping him go beyond his boundaries. I am so thankful that he is the one who is at Superman's side. Even better, Superman thinks he's the best! He raves about him.

Today was a good day for Ladybug and I. We went shopping in the Bloor West Village with a girlfriend of mine. Ladybug loved it! She was quite the hit in all of the stores we visited since she was sporting a small, but noticable, ponytail. ;)

So now I sit and wait for the call to pick up the little man. I hope no one was expecting me to be at camp by a certain time because if they are, no one told me about it! LOL

First bee sting

Camp called me just before 2:30pm to tell me that Superman had been stung by a bee....twice. First sting was on his index finger, second sting was just above his right eye. That second one hurt like you wouldn't believe! The poor monkey is still somewhat swollen around his eye and the throbbing seems to come and go. Since it's his first sting, we need to watch him for an allergic reaction for the next 24 hours.

Due to his reaction to that, we have to miss Family Night at camp. He's extremely disappointed and after several meltdowns has finally made some peace with it. I think camp overall today was a bust. Poor kid can't seem to catch a break.

As for me, I'm ready for bed.

What a start to the day!

We were outside waiting for the bus to pick up Superman and bring him to camp. Ladybug has become quite adventureous while outdoors and was walking around, holding on to Superman's hand. She lost her balance and did a nosedive into the pavement. Little munchkin chipped a tooth. Of course this happened just seconds before the bus arrived so I'm standing there with one child singing "the wheels on the bus go round, and round" while the other is screaming and I've got blood smeared across my chest and shoulder. I'm sure at that one moment, not a single car that drove by envied me at all. LOL

Good news is that it's just a small chip on her tooth, no nerve damage (she can eat and drink just fine) and it's not loose as far as I can tell. Kind of hard to get a 15 mos old to sit still AND let you stick your finger in her mouth while asking to look at her teeth. I think she's fine. She got over it in 2 mins. However, it took me a little bit longer. Isn't that always the case?

Today is as close to perfect

as I could possibly get. Spent some time in the morning at the park. The kids played hard. Superman showed me how he learned to use the swing. He's never been able to get his coordination in gear enough to pump his legs at the right time. It's such an odd mix considering his balance is incredible and he can ride a scooter with no problem and stand on top of a my pilates exercise ball and balance without holding to anything or anyone. Go figure.

Although he got touch of heat stroke on the way home so he promptly guzzled water and went right to bed to sleep. Ladybug and I had a nice lunch then I put her down for a nap. For 30 mins I managed to have both kids asleep at the same time. Heaven I tell you! My MIL called so we chatted.

We spent the afternoon in the backyard. The kids played in the kiddie pool, sprinkler, blew bubbles and goofed off. Now they're snacking on cheese and crackers. All in all a great day.

When you're submerged in stress and unpredictable behaviours, you learn to celebrate the little things that make you smile.

Why oh why oh why....

...do I choose to shop at a place like Wal-Mart on Sunday afternoon? I swear the whole city was there and they had 3 cashiers open. If I had known it would be like that, I would have brought my tent and some snacks to camp out during our wait in the check out line. ;)

Murphy's Law says that things like this will take place on a day when you absolutely have to be there, no choice about any other day to go and the only place that has what you need is the very store that 98809820 other people choose to shop at all at the same time.

We needed goggles for Superman to take to camp on Tuesday and so far Wal-Mart is the only place that has his size. Well, they didn't even have his size, so I had to go one smaller and pray that it does the trick until I find the right one. If he wears goggles, he's so ambitious during his swim lessons. On Friday, the pair that the camp had leaked while he was underwater and he freaked.

Then I realized that our beloved bunny, Ella can't live without her bunny food and really shouldn't spend a second day eating Cheerios because I forgot to buy food. ;)

So off we treked through the crowd of elbows, carts and other frustrated parents and kids. I felt like I was the side show in a three ring circus as I hunted for the things I needed while reminding my 15 mos old to sit on her bum (she loves this whole "Hey! Look at me! I can stand in the cart!" routine) while calming my 7 year old who is crouched in the cart and trying to hold it together but feeling more and more overwhelmed.

I keep forgetting sometimes how many times I use phrasing that Superman will take literally, and not understand. Like when we were waiting in line and I whispered to him "Honey, just hold it together for 5 more minutes and then we'll be done and go straight home. You're doing SO well!" to which he replied "Thanks. I don't know what I'm holding together but am I allowed to let it fall apart when we're outside?" LOL

Ahhh...the hidden joys of Aspergers.

Good day!

Week one of camp is done, just three more to go. Superman ended it on a high note, well as far as I can tell from his communication book that he brings home. So that is worthy of the happy dance right there.

Today we went to the zoo for a few hours. Definitely a great choice since the weather was fabulous and the kids woke up with a heck of a lot of energy. It was one of those mornings where you realize rather quickly that if you don't get them out of the house, they'll self combust and get into everything they shouldn't. ;) I was really proud of Superman because it was busy at times, and not a single meltdown. He did so great!

We had a picnic lunch which was nice. After we got home, Ladybug had a nap and then we filled up the kiddie pool and put the sprinkler on. We were outside for a few more hours and then we all did some gardening. Hubby was supposed to be in the office all day but was able to work from home so that was a nice change, having him around and hanging out.

We had an awful storm a few nights ago and I thought it blew in sections of our fence, but upon closer inspection, it looks like it was kicked in. This is only the THIRD time it's happened. Sigh. Bored kids in the neighbourhood. That's one of the pitfalls of living on a corner lot. Easy target. So the guy who built our fence came back and re-inforced it. It's only been up for a few months. Let's hope they leave us alone for the rest of the summer.

The day is halfway done

and I'm looking forward to bed already. Last night we had a brutal storm that seemed to loom out of nowhere. I had already put Ladybug down for the night and it was just Superman and I hanging out in the family room, watching a movie. Superman looked out the window and said "weird"...so I peeked out the blinds and we saw a storm from coming in and it was like the earth was suddenly covered in blackness. It went so dark so quickly, I walked outside to see if I could spot a funnel cloud. After spending 5 years in GA, you know the signs. It was windy and eerie out.

There was no way Superman was going to go to bed with such loud thunder and crazy lightening so he hunkered down in bed with me and we watched So You Think You Can Dance together before he passed out.

I decided to keep him home from camp today. He was exhausted after an emotional morning yesterday and then a late night. He woke up disregulated and tired. I figured at that point, it would be like setting him up for failure. So he's home. Right now he's happily playing, Ladybug is down for a nap and I'm working my way through a book called Parenting Your Asperger Child by Alan Sohn and Cathy Grayson. I'm only 40 pages into it, but it's a different perspective I haven't read yet. Not sure how much I agree or disagree with in terms of approach, but a lot of it makes sense and I'll draw my conclusion at the end.

I'm tired today. Definitely looking forward to going to bed. Superman has to go to the dentist tonight to have some work done. He's thrilled. He loves it there. LOL

The other shoe dropped today

I should have known better to get to comfortable in "no phone call" days when my little man is out of the house. Just as I was finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin, trying to relax and just enjoy the day with Ladybug, the phone rang.

First off, I have give the camp credit because they're very patient, thorough and are working hard with Superman. But he was biting and scratching. Transitional time...had to get out of the pool (his new favourite thing, especially since he's accomplishing so much and conquering personal fears) and he had three meltdowns throughout the morning. So it was a good chat with the director. She's awesome. I have absolutely no complaints about her or her staff. In fact I have only praise. It's just still hard to get the call.

We talked about triggers, environment, what was behind the behaviour, what has worked in the past to help him through it. I like the fact that his 1:1 counsellor M, is fun, but firm. That's good for Superman. We think he might be testing boundaries. So we agreed that I would stay on call for the afternoon and if it continued, I would come and pick him up.

So it was a good conversation. I hung up, put Ladybug down for her afternoon nap and had a good cry. I have so much anxiety over his day. So much of it is out of my control and yet I struggle because I want to make it better for him. I do everything every professional tells me to do, and I know he can't put any of it into practice if he's not given the chance, but I still panic a bit when he leaves the front door because neither of us knows what's in store for the day and when the phone rings, my heart jumps and I feel instantly nauseous. It's a hard cycle. I just pray that eventually it will become consistently easier, for both our sakes.

In the end, M said that after Superman's second talk with the director, he was great at listening and had a fun afternoon. So that in itself is a blessing and a bonus.

Tomorrow is a new day. I hope it will get better.

Daycamp has begun!

I am bursting at the seams at how awesome Superman's camp is. I got a call at noon yesterday and as soon as I saw the camp name pop up on spy phone, I felt ill (too many "come get your son" moments during the school year ) and the girl says "Hi, I'm so and so. Don't worry, everything is great!" Love them for saying that! LOL But she's an OT student working with the camp director who is also an OT and they're running a social skills class and Superman's counsellor said he would be a good candidate so they wanted my permission to add him. OF COURSE!!!! So he gets a period of SS every day for 4 weeks. No extra cost. Woohoo!

Then I got a call at 4pm. Again, I feel ill and it's the director so I felt even more ill because I know that she makes the tough calls. But she says "Hey , it's X andeverythingisfine." She rambled it off so fast because she kNEW I would be freaking. So I laughed and she said that she had a meeting with Superman's counsellor team and they feel that he needs more TLC than his peers so they pulled another counsellor in, Michael, and he's there for 1:1 support. Added charge, but she's only charging me 50% of the monthly fee. Awesome!!!

They gave him a fannypack that he wears with a daily schedule so he knows what to expect and when. They have a communication book so he can cross off all the activities he does, as well as who he hung out with, his favourite thing of the day, something that made him angry or frustrated, and a notes section from the counsellor. Then we respond back with what he did when he got home from camp, what he did after dinner, how well he slept and a notes section from me.

They've always said they were an "all inclusive" camp, but now I believe it. They are SO proactive! Superman said he only had one meltdown and it was in the pool because he didn't know the bell was going to ring (meaning time to get out) and he didn't want to leave. Yanno his sensory issues with water? He actually went UNDERWATER yesterday!!!! I cried when he told me. they got him a pair of goggles because he hates the feeling of water in his eyes and now he's flourishing.

I just am a mess of happiness and tears watching him love life so much right now. All of last week was awful, so many meltdowns, a few rages and I seriously wondered how we were going to make it through. I'm cautiously optimistic about camp. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I hope that it just keeps getting better from here. I think with the 1:1 support, he stands a better chance of succeeding.

Today it was 40 degrees out with the humidex so he had more meltdowns than usual which isn't a surprise. He had moments of frustrations but when he told me about them at home, all could be explained. I just don't think he explains them to his counsellor. For instance, he refused to get changed after swim and M (his counsellor) had to chase him across camp. Superman told me it was because he doesn't want the other kids to see him getting changed which I understood but if someone held up a towel for him to get changed, he would be fine. So I relayed that back to M in the communication book.

He also flipped out in the pool because they wanted him to go underwater without using his goggles or plugging his nose. He flipped, but you know what...he tried it and he DID it!!!!! I was so thrilled because he's pushing his own boundaries.